What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 28.06.2025 09:42
It was going to be , some day.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
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We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
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His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
How can I get over a break up?
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
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Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
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As i do to all so called friends.?
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
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19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Why do some mothers hate their daughters especially when they're the eldest?
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Why did i forgive my father ?
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
My family never makes their pension either.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
This is soul school!.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I don,t even have a pension.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
And who doesn’t know suffering?
He resisted the act ,that day.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I think the readers, may guess!
My life is so biszare .
Especially a lifetime of it.
Who then, do I blame.?
I was seconnd youngest,
She loved him until the end.
I couldn’t, believe it.
One cannot live in the past .
She wouldn,t have been !
I know ,a lot about trauma.
She found it foreign!.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Ive learnt so much.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I never cut or harmed myself..
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
(And it was in our own minds.)
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
She married twice! .
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
We were not on the streets..
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Put me off passion for life!!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I was very sick at this time too.
So, i spoilt her more .
I have no regrets .
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I did it because my mum asked me too!
But it wasn’t much.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
She was in good health!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I write beautiful poetry .
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I waited trembling.
We all went to grammer schools
Im still living with it.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I will be 64.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
And i lived it daily.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
What did i know ?
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I could never make a relationship work though!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Comes on , in middle age.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
All the time i was locked up.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
But ive been too sick for many years..
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I was scared of men, in general
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I said to her
When she asked me how she looked .
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I was 9 years of age.
So whats the point in blame.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
But, we were locked up after school.
Was to survive, this bastard.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Would this be the day?
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
He knew the spot.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Where the ultimate outsiders.